Once upon a time in New York, there was a cop named Charlie.
He was a very decent guy, as was his partner, Bo.
He was a good listener.
He loved kids.
He had patience and common sense.
He was resourceful.
Okay people, let's go. Step lively now, come on.
He was just a good cop.
Charlie lived happily in Queens, where he was born and grew up.
- Yo, Charlie! - Jesu!
- Kill anybody today? - Didn't even wound anybody.
- You won't see your wife? - I mustn't surprise her at work.
Charlie was married to Muriel. She hated Queens.
If he was a detective, he'd have decent clothes.
- But he's got to wear the uniform. - I feel for you. You have ambition.
I never pushed him enough.
If he was on the take, I'd say, "He has initiative!"
My sister was married to a cop. It's a no-win situation.
Either they're honest and broke, or crooks that never come home.
What did she do?
She left him and married an electrician. That's real money.
I'm running out of patience. I'm a person who needs money.
And then there's Yvonne, a waitress, who gets some terrible news.
Miss Biasi, it says here that you owe $12,000 on your MasterCard.
Those charges were incurred by my ex-husband, after I threw him out.
The bank is not aware of your divorce.
We're not divorced yet, but I told him to tear up the credit cards.
If you're not divorced yet, you're liable for your husband's debts.
I'm divorced in my heart. That's what counts.
Legally, that's not what counts.
Do you know how much it costs? Have you ever been divorced?
Probably not. Probably you've had good luck your entire life.
Which is the opposite of me.
If the MasterCard is in your name, it's your responsibility.
Listen, please. I came to New York five years ago, to be an actress.
I was in "Our Town". I played Emily. People cried buckets.
- I'm sure they were. - Will there be anything else?
So I come to New York, and I meet Eddie.
Talk about the worst luck of all! He swept me off my feet.
He bought me flowers, he took me to real restaurants.
With linen, wine and good lighting, you know?
It was perfect, except he turned out to be a pathological liar.
I believed every word he said, because I had faith in people.
So, in short...
What are my options here?
Charlie, Muriel and Yvonne lived in a city -
- where people pray for miracles every day.
Like winning the $64-million lottery.
My name is Angel. This story... Well, it's pretty much all true.
I had a dream last night. I got three cherries on a slot machine, -
- but they were the face of my dead father. It's a sign.
- But you hated your father. - No matter. A sign is a sign.
- You think I'm nuts, but we'll win. - I didn't say you were nuts.
I said the odds of winning the lottery are not overwhelming.
One bedroom in Queens is not my idea of living.
One bedroom is fine. If we had kids, it would be another story.
- We can't afford to have kids. - Of course we can!
Cops have kids! Firemen have kids...
- That's why we have public schools. - Just get the ticket!
She's got to get real. You got to tell her, "I'm out here every day, -
- getting paid, bringing it home." She's got to listen to you.
- You can't be serious! - It takes two minutes.
I'm starving, man!
This is police business, step aside. It'll take two minutes...
This will take forever. And Burger King's another five blocks.
- It's only across the street. - What, that place? Oh, no...
- Where the hell were you? - I told you. A personal matter.
- Then it comes off your pay cheque. - But I have sick days coming!
You want a sick day, get sick. If you're healthy, you work.
Get me some coffee.
On your head, sweetie pie.
- That guy sets a nice tone. - Yeah, like a drill sergeant.
Here we go.
- You want some coffee? - Please.
- You guys know what you want? - Cheeseburger and blueberry muffin.
And you, Officer?
You recommend the lobster thermidor?
That's really funny. I'm gonna die laughing.
- Especially today. What a treat! - You've had a bad day?
- Call me when you're ready. - A meatball sandwich. Really!
Meatball?
You are very brave, Officer.
- She likes you, she really does. - I was trying to cheer her up.
- Store alarm on Spring Street... - Well, I'm full!
I'm gonna starve to death.
Your turn to pay.
- Miss, we've got to run. - After that whole routine?
- When those radios go off... - Where, where?
Two coffees plus taxes... Two, even.
Oh, Jeez... I'm short.
- Fine, Officer. No charge. - No, it's the tip...
- I'll live! - I can't not leave a tip.
A lottery ticket?
With my luck? Go, get the cat out of the tree, or whatever...
No, that's the Fire Department.
- Come on, Charlie! - In a second.
I got an idea. What's your name?
Yvonne? I'm Charlie Lang, and we're partners.
If I win, I give you half. If not, I'll leave a tip. What do you think?
- I'll never see you again. - You'll see me tomorrow.
- Well, I'll be here. - You've got a deal.
- All right, five more minutes. - I ordered Chinese. Come up!
- In a minute. - Are you whipped?
No, I've got adult responsibilities. Next batter!
That's it! I'm out of here.
- Jesu! Vien aqui, la comida. - I'm coming, Mom!
- Are you whipped, Jesu? - It's my mother, that's different.
Did you have surgery last night?
You mean these? No, it's just a prosthetic bra...
Charlie, don't do that next to me! That's disgusting.
- I'm just soaking my feet. - Please!
- Since when did this bother you? - Since now, okay?
You're spilling water everywhere!
I'll call the Red Cross and tell them we're a disaster area.
I have some larger ones that I change into after work.
Charlie... Should I get my boobs done?
- Done? - Enlarged. So I could be like that.
Are you nuts? It seems so extreme.
- Forget it. - I just don't think you need it.
Look, I had to declare bankruptcy.
When will I be able to get my MasterCard back?
What are my chances?
- Under 15,000 a year... - Shall I speak to them? Love to.
I see.
Well, thank you. That's what I thought.
- What did they say? - My chances are slim to none.
The lotto jackpot has grown to over $64 million.
We'll check the winning numbers when we return.
- You got the numbers wrong! - Wrong?
- Our anniversary is the 27th. - We always celebrate on the 26th.
We got the licence on the 26th. We got married on the 27th.
- So why do we go out on the 26th? - I don't know, maybe it's custom.
The fact is, I told you our anniversary.
To anybody with any sense, that means the day they got married.
I am sorry, darling.
Did he say 26?
Those numbers again are: 6, 12, 16, 26, 64, 84.
We won! We got the jackpot!
- That's unbelievable! - We're rich!
- The jackpot? - We're rich, rich, rich!
- What are we having? - BLT down with turkey bacon.
- Any Miracle Whip? - Yes. No matter how broke I am.
You have to have things that are stable. Permanent.
- Oreos, Smuckers... - Exactly.
- Thank you. - Will there be anything else?
Will there be anything else?
There'll never be anything else.
God, I hate this. I feel bankrupt.
What?
A bowling team had the same numbers!
- They get nine million! - Why am I not surprised?
- How many are on the team? - Average team is twelve guys.
Do each of them get a piece, or do you consider them as one?
Muriel... your veins, they're bulging out of your neck.
You look like a psycho.
Oh, my God. The bowlers, thank God, only count as one.
That's 16 people that picked these numbers... Oh, God.
That only leaves us with...
Four million.
We could live on that, right?
We could live on less, even.
Let's pray nobody else calls in, so we don't have to split it again.
What?
What? You're making me nervous.
Honey...
I've got something to tell you.
- A complete stranger? Charlie! - I owed her a tip.
A tip? Two million dollars? Come on!
I never thought we'd win, darling.
- But we did win, like I said. - But not with your numbers.
Don't do that! Because you know and I know -
- that in my dream, my dead father came.
In his eyes he had dollar signs. And a "4" in place of the pupil.
That's ridiculous. He was a nut job, he prayed to chickens.
He wants us to have the four million.
If he intended us to have half, there would have been a "2".
It's not the right thing.
The right thing? What the hell is that?
You've always done the right thing for everybody else.
Just once, please, do the right thing for us.
I gave her my word.
- Honey... Do you love me? - Of course I love you.
Then stiff her. Stiff her and smell the flowers. For me.
- What would you do? - I'd buy the Knicks.
- I mean, about the girl. - I'd take her to watch me play.
I'd start myself as a very small, round forward.
So you agree with Muriel? Giving her half is crazy?
If I can't have the Knicks, I want season tickets -
- where you sit with Jack Nicholson and Spike Lee.
- A promise is a promise. - And a stereo for the whole house.
So you don't have to carry around that boom box.
I could tell her I just won $5,000.
So... season tickets, stereo system, Mazda GL6?
- I couldn't just lie like that. - A boat! I've never been on one.
- Are you listening? - You'll do the appropriate thing.
- Which is? - I don't know. That's your field.
Tuna on whole wheat, one scrambled soft, toast crisp, tea with lemon.
- Everything okay? - Yeah, thanks.
- You're back. - I said I'd be back.
- Coffee? - No, thanks. I just wanted to...
I'm sorry I was so rude yesterday. But it was the worst day of my life.
Yvonne, wake up!
- You're all dreaming. - Quit the socialising!
Don't go, I want to apologise in detail.
Western for Walter. And for Timothy, oatmeal like Mom used to make.
My mother never made oatmeal. She never made food in her life.
Bloody Marys, she made. White Russians...
- But she had a great personality. - So did Imelda Marcos.
- She produced a nice son, right? - You're okay.
Eat!
- He's got it, huh? - Yeah, a couple of years.
He's really starting to go downhill. In and out of hospital...
What a world! We should appreciate every moment, not be spiteful.
- I know just what you mean. - Yvonne!
Speaking of which...
What I have is a bill for $9.53. What I do not have is the $9.53!
- He went to get his wallet... - Never let them out the door!
- What is this, a soup kitchen? - I made a mistake.
You sure did! The $9.53 comes out of your cheque. Bring me some coffee.
Let me!
Enjoy!
- Now that's coffee! - So, what'll it be?
- They're right there... - Amazing, but true.
- We've no cantelope or grapefruit. - I'm not hungry.
The thing is... I got something for you.
- For me? - It's just a trifle.
May I?
It's a string for your glasses, so they hang around your neck.
So you'll know where they are. At all times.
This is... the nicest thing anyone's ever gotten me.
- I certainly hope not. - It's close.
You sure I can't get you anything? Coffee?
Decaf, please. I've reached my target heart rate.
Decaf it is!
- So... You've had bad luck? - Unbelievable!
When I was eleven, my dog died of parvo.
I don't know to this day what parvo is.
I married the wrong man. I mean the wrong, by a lot, man!
Now I can't afford to get divorced. I mean, I'm used to my luck...
But yesterday, I went bankrupt before I came into work.
That's why I was so rude to you.
You went bankrupt?
- Look! From the officer. - That's sweet, honey.
About our little agreement...
Double the tip, or half of what I won in the lottery.
- That agreement... - Let's make it your choice.
Door one, double the tip. Door two, half my winnings.
My choice? Okay...
Whatever. I'll take door number two. I'll take half of the lottery.
- You're sure? - Positive.
- I hoped you'd say that. - I'll bet! Better luck next time.
Actually, we were pretty lucky.
- Did you win something? - We won something.
We won something? What did we win?
Four million dollars.
Why are you doing this? This sick joke!
- It's not a joke. - No? What you're saying to me...
You think I'm making this up? I'm not! We won.
The lottery? The actual New York State lottery? Four million dollars?
It happened last night. It would have been more, -
- but a bowling team took about nine million out of the pot.
And you're telling me that you'll actually split it with me?
A promise is a promise.
Oh, my God...
- You all right? - Oh, my God!
Now I know why all these bad things happened.
It's so stupendously, phenomenally, unbelievably great!
Because I had such bad luck... Who wants ice cream?
Who wants pie?
Wait a minute! I can't accept this, can I?
I can't accept this! I want to, so desperately, but...
- This neurotic part of me says... - Accept it!
- How can I? - I want you to have it.
- With all my heart. - Yvonne, take it!
Muriel, $2 million is still an enormous amount.
You should be committed to an asylum for life.
They should give you a straitjacket and take you to the loony bin!
Look sweetheart, you weren't there...
She has customers with Al DS, and treats them like an angel.
- She's got a boss from hell... - Why not give her all the money?
- Get off my foot! - We're doing the right thing.
And the whole city will admire you. You'll be a celebrity.
Maybe I could get some commercial endorsements?
Absolutely. "Muriel Lang, the woman with the heart of gold."
You can endorse shampoos, conditioners, nail polish...
"Muriel Lang, the woman with the heart of gold!"
Well, I'd better get something out of this.
- Bowling for dollars! - I want my cheque, Harry.
Some of New York's luckiest people are here in Manhattan -
- to stake their claim in the state's $64-million lotto jackpot.
- So you promised Miss Biasi half? - As a tip.
A tip? We got a cop that gave a waitress a $2-million tip!
We're gonna open our own bowling alley...
- You insulted him. - Next time, you talk!
I'd like a little cottage in the country.
- Excuse me! - Mrs. Lang, how do you feel?
- I'm Mrs. Lang! - Mrs. Lang? These are for you.
- What an incredible woman you are. - You have no idea!
Does it bother you that he split $4 million with a stranger?
Not at all. In the beauty parlour, I'm known as:
"Muriel Lang, the woman with the heart of gold."
And if there are any sponsors out there, like Denorex...
Which I use, because...
We've got to get the winners in a group picture.
- Miss Biasi, what will you buy? - A car? An apartment?
- I haven't thought about it yet. - A promise is a promise.
"Muriel Lang, woman with the heart of gold."
Oh, actress... briefly. It didn't work out.
"Denorex. Works out each individual dandruff."
- Will you stay on the force? - I'll buy the force!
- Yvonne? - So it's "Yvonne" already?
- Is this your biggest tip? - Definitely!
- Have you ever won before? - Never!
Big smile, everybody!
She has no taste. That outfit looked like it came from the 60's.
I thought she looked just fine.
She's not flashy. She's just a waitress.
Beauty is my business, defer to my judgement.
My God, it's Bendel's! What a feeling, to come here with money.
- God bless you. - Stop giving it away to every bum!
God bless you.
- Now I'm happy. - I'm glad, sweetheart.
- Now I'm at peace with myself. - I'm glad, sweetheart.
Just a quick stop at Tiffany's, and I'll be born again.
Fur's for animals, not for people!
Excuse me.
This is Eleanor Smith of MasterCard. You are now eligible, -
- Miss Yvonne Biasi, for a $20, 000 line of credit.
Please call me at 1-800-555-2000.
- I've died and gone to heaven. - Hi Yvonne, congratulations.
My name is Paul, and I'd like you to spank me with a wire brush.
That's disgusting.
- I've got to change my number. - Hello, please leave a message.
Hello? Sweetheart? C'est moi!
I'll bet you're there!
I know you're mad about the account.
- But I can explain. - Stay out of my life, Eddie.
You are there. Hi, baby!
The only reason you're calling is the lottery.
What? You won something?
- Die! - No, baby. I'm serious.
I've been out of town. The lottery? That's fabulous.
You did good?
I did all right.
Well, that's great, baby. No one deserves it more. I mean that.
From the bottom of my heart.
- Hello? - Please, don't ever call me again.
- When are you retiring? - I'm not retiring! Get off my case.
Where's that sense of humour?
A guy calls at 3 a.m., says he's holding a gun to his head...
Unless you give him $1,000 he'll pull the trigger.
If he called me at 3 a.m., I'd tell him to do it.
- That really happen? - Last night. This lottery thing...
- You become this other person. - I feel bad for you, baby.
I'm not bad-mouthing it. I'm just saying, it's an adjustment.
Sun. How are things in the mysterious East?
- Very good. Very busy. - No unjustified price increases?
Good! Two coffees, one regular, one light.
- How's the wife? - She has the flu.
On the house.
Thank you. That's very sweet of you.
Down there, make a right.
Our favourite Korean is getting robbed right now.
- He said his wife has the flu. - She'd work if she was dead!
- Then he gives me coffee for free. - Shit! How do we play it?
Stay here, I'll go through the basement. Call for some back-up.
Faster!
Nobody moves! A carton of Virginia Slims!
That cop's just sitting out there.
Don't worry about the cop.
What was that?
Come here. Watch him!
Come on, pal. Move!
- What's back there? - Nothing.
- What about that door? - Basement. Just rats.
- Rats? - Big ones.
I hate rats. Don't you keep this place clean?
Nobody move!
What's with this cop?
He's got nothing better to do than write tickets?
With all the crime in this city?
- What do we do? - Wait, till he leaves.
- What if he doesn't leave? - He'll leave. Just shut up!
- What's the matter? - I think it's a heart attack.
- Shut up! - Call a doctor.
I'm the doctor here, honey!
Get up, Charlie! You all right?
Get inside, there's another one inside.
Come on, Charlie, get up. You all right?
- Why didn't you just shoot him? - Too many customers.
- You all right, man? - Yeah... I'm great.
Oh man, you got shot!
He saved lives and prevented injuries, though not to himself.
And certainly not to the criminals he stopped.
So I give to Officer Charles Lang this citation for bravery, -
- and wish him a quick recovery.
Thank you very much.
I guess fate's telling me to take it easy. Or so says my wife.
I love being a cop, lottery or no lottery.
I think it's the most important job in the world.
So I'll be donating $10,000 to the Policemen's Widows' Fund.
Thanks a lot!
You're too young to be hanging around.
I'm injured. Don't you read the papers?
- You're a hero? Play with one hand. - If I could, I would.
- See you. - Yeah, see you later.
Good afternoon, sir.
- This looks like Beirut! - Isn't it great?
We'll go co-op next year, and sell the apartment.
- Mr. Patel told me. - Hi, I'm your accountant.
- All the best on your new fortune. - Thank you.
- He says we'll get $100,000 for it. - Minimum!
And we beat the taxes if we move to Jersey.
- But I want to stay here. - And do what? Play stickball?
It's the architect. Excuse me!
- Where's my chair? - I gave it to Goodwill.
But I loved that chair! You could have asked me.
Why should I? You're the one that loves to give everything away.
Women! Who can live with them? And without them?
What?
Gray's Antiques had another break-in.
Two brothers walked off with a Biedermeyer chest.
Gray says, "How could black guys know what it's worth?"
He said that? What did you say?
"They must get the African-American Antiques Newsletter."
He pissed me off.
- I miss you, man. - I'm going out of my mind.
My house is a wreck, and I've got nothing to do...
Well, that's retirement.
- Well! "Yvonne's". - She bought it a few weeks ago.
- Can I get you anything else? - Tea, please.
Eight wants tea.
- How's the soup? - Not enough basil.
You're kidding... I'll see what I can do.
- Go in. Say hello. - Forget it, she's busy.
I know you're dying to go in there.
No, I've got to get home. But I got you something.
Season tickets to the Knicks.
- They're not on the floor... - Knicks tickets? For me?
- I couldn't get the floor. - Don't worry, give me some!
- Knicks tickets! - I'm glad she's doing well.
Why the coat? It's a warm night.
Maybe I'll get a chill later. Just hold it.
- There's a lot of people here. - Isn't it great?
I feel like we're at the Academy Awards.
I'm going to go circulate.
Here's your lipstick.
I won $55 million, and increased my net worth 40 percent -
- through well-chosen mutual funds.
- 40 percent? - At virtually no risk.
S & L funds, Biotech funds... Gold funds, they were a disaster.
- Stay away from those. - What about Treasury Bills?
They're for little old ladies. Which you certainly are not.
Aren't you a tiger!